Hilarity In Hawaii

Hello dear reader, I hope you are swell,

Gather round and get ready, for I have a story to tell.

A British homosexual and his New York hunny,

Get themselves into a Hawaiian situation, that I think you’ll find quite funny.

So here we go, I shall set the scene,

We arrive in Hawaii, somewhere I have never been…

We were in Lahaina, Hawaii for an overnight. This meant we arrived on the morning of 27th September, and would not leave until late evening of the 28th. So two full days to explore…

Lahaina is a tender port. This means our ship is too large to actually dock on the island itself, so we drop anchor away from the shore, and we have tender boats that transfer all passengers and crew to the island. This can be a lengthy process with potentially 8,000 people wanting to get off to experience the island, however the organisation was impeccable and it was a smooth process for all involved.

As soon as we could, we got off the ship and began exploring.

Myself and Caroline had to head back to the ship at 7pm that evening to perform a ‘Summer Breeze’ set for the guests. This did mean that unfortunately we had to miss out on the crew Luau trip that had been planned for that evening.

A Luau is a huge traditional Hawaiian event that is used to celebrate the culture and history of Hawaii.

We were told coming to Hawaii and NOT attending a Luau is basically like going to Paris and not seeing the Eiffel Tower. Because myself and Caroline could not attend the Luau in Lahaina, we decided to book one for ourselves in Honolulu, where we had another overnight coming up in the next few days. At least we didn’t have to miss out on the experience of attending a Luau. The price for the crew luau in Lahaina was $160 dollars, so this was the price guideline we were prepared to pay for our Luau in Honolulu.

We searched ‘Best Luau’s in Honolulu’ and a list of the top rated events was generated by our good friend, Google. We looked into option 1, it was sold out. We looked into option 2. It was $60 and there was an event on the night we wanted to attend. RESULT. We booked and now had a bargain, top rated luau to look forward to in Honolulu.

That evening we got back on board and did the show. Afterwards we then came back off the ship to the island to join everyone for the rest of the evening’s antics. They all had a great time at the Luau, and it made us even more excited for our turn in Honolulu.

The next day we woke up early, got off the ship and were determined to find some excursions to do, hoping for a boat trip to see dolphins. We met a lovely lady called Beth from Boston in an excursion booth on the island, and she sold us the last 2 seats on a dolphin trip that departed just an hour after.

I always prepare myself for disappointment with boat trips to see specific animals, after all, it’s basically promising to see something that could potentially be world champions in playing hide and seek. As skeptical as I was, these dolphins obviously did not make it to the world championships as we managed to find them and they did not disappoint.

Dolphins are my favourite animals so I was the happiest guy in the world being literally touching distance from them in their natural habitat. I won’t be forgetting that day anytime soon…

On the way back to the ship in the tender boat, Caroline and I exchanged the photos we had taken that day via Airdrop. All was going well until Caroline accidently selected the wrong person to send the images to, and the recipient was actually sat right next to us. We saw the invitation pop up on her phone, the lady rapidly pressed accept and as a result: There is now a Chinese lady somewhere in the world that has multiple photos of me on her phone. I’d love to see the confusion on her face when she tries to figure out who the hell I am and how those images got on her phone. Unfortunately myself and Caroline were laughing way too much to even attempt to explain to the lady what had just happened.

Our trip to Lahaina was done. Onto Honolulu…

 After sailing between islands overnight, we arrived in Honolulu the following day. We got off the ship at about 5pm and headed straight to our hotel where we literally threw our bags into our room and headed back out to the Luau which started at 6pm.

As we got to the hotel where the Luau was, there was something different about it. We couldn’t quite put our fingers on it. So many friendly staff, the hotel itself was absolutely stunning and everything about it just seemed a little too good to be true. If we only knew what was about to happen…

As we arrived at the box office to collect our tickets, the lady at the desk asked for the surname of the booking as usual, and then for our Military ID, which is not so usual.

Confused we stared blankly at the lady, as she continued to ask to see a Military ID. Caroline started to search through her purse for a Military ID which I knew for a fact did not exist, but she was determined and searched with full conviction. She honestly deserves a tony award for her leading performance in “Lady with No Military ID”.  

The lady then asked us ‘Did you book this event online’; we said ‘Yes, we did’. She then acknowledged a laminated sheet on the desk and pointed out the following statement:

“This is a MILITARY ONLY hotel. All Luau events are strictly for military guests and are NOT open to the general public.”

My heart sank down into my socks from the weight of sheer embarrassment as we continued to stare at the lady with blank expressions, which had now gained a strong hint of confusion.

 After what seemed like an eternity of standing and staring at this Lady in the box office, she then said “Okay. I will print the tickets for you, but you CANNOT tell anyone or say you are not with the Military”. She winked and we thanked her, and left to begin this extremely unexpected Military themed evening. Mission accepted.

In the state of shock of the sudden change of direction our evening was now headed in, myself and Caroline did not speak for about 10 minutes and simply stood amongst the crowd of guests, who now all instantly looked remarkably Military.

We slowly came to realise that in order to enjoy this experience, we would simply have to embrace our non Military-ness and improvise. The evening suddenly looked freshly promising with our new outlook on the situation, until the time came to sit down for dinner. Oh god, no.

We now have to sit on a large table surrounded by actual military guests and their families. Conversation is inevitable and the moment we realised this, I was so ready to tap out of this unexpected, and unwanted bushtucker trial and say ‘I’m non-Military, get me out of here’.

We quickly did some homework. Googling ‘Military Titles’ in the hope of gaining some knowledge that could carry us through the rest of the evening. And then I came up with a plan and proudly presented it to Caroline:

PLAN 1:

We are brother and sister. Our father booked us this as a treat but we are a little naive and uneducated in his specific position, therefore limiting the expectation of detailed conversation. Wham. Bam. Sham. What a foolproof plan from Sam. Until Caroline pointed out: I am British. She is American. And in her words ‘Your American accent is a solid no’. Fair point, Caroline. Back to square one.

PLAN 2:

We are a couple (lol). Caroline’s Uncle is our connection to the Military, and he booked us into the hotel and event. I was happy with this plan as I could simply rely on Caroline to know everything about her Uncle. However, Caroline was not SO convinced with her own ability to hold entire Military conversations with people who ACTUALLY know what they are talking about, which is understandable. Back to our good friend, square one again…

PLAN 3:

Every time someone begins to engage in any sort of conversation with us, we instantly, but politely leave the table whilst saying the words ‘Another drink?’ then head straight to the bar. PERFECT.

We sat at the table, said hello and introduced ourselves to our new friends for the evening. Luckily the food came out pretty fast, so the food conversation saved us for a good amount of time. However, there are only a certain amount of times you can complement the fresh pineapple before coming across as a strange, pineapple obsessive.

Then it happened. A conversation began about everyone’s military connections. Myself and Caroline quickly excused ourselves, stood up and made our way to the bar to get some much needed cups of Military confidence. The bar had actually run out of this, so we opted for alcohol instead. Turns out it’s actually the same thing, who knew?!

This happened multiple times throughout the evening before FINALLY the entertainment began. The show was sensational. Very informative and true to the Hawaiian culture. This kept everyone engaged in the activity on the stage, and thankfully the conversations stopped. Phew. Myself and Caroline smiled at each other across the table with a sigh of relief that we could finally just relax and enjoy the evening. That was until the host invited a couple who had been married 62 Years onto the stage to dance whilst every other couple in the audience also danced together while he was singing a love ballad. For us it looked like this…

All was going probably too well until the entertainment suddenly gained a Military twist with audience participation. What happened next still gives me heart palpitations…

The host said the following:

“I think we should take every opportunity we can to show our appreciation to our countries heroes. So we are going to do that, right now…Let’s begin first with our members of war. When I ask you to stand, let’s give them the applause they truly, truly deserve”

‘Stand up if you are/or were in the Army’. Some people began to stand up…

Stand up if you are/ or were in the Navy’. Some more people stood up. ..

‘Stand up if you are/were in the Air Force’. Even more people stood up. ..

This continued for a good amount of time, with the host listing ALL Military divisions and the amount of people standing up, was rising as fast as my heart rate. Soon we were the only people still sat down in a large radius of the audience.  How the hell do we get out of this one? Myself and Caroline stared at each other in a way that could only be described as how it feels to be forced out of the non-military closet in front of hundreds of people.

We HAVE to stand at some point but when? How did this happen? Why are we here? So many questions developing but absolutely no answers to get us out of this one.

Luckily, the host then said:

‘And most importantly of all, stand up if you are family or friends of someone in the Military’.

It’s fair to say we both lept to our feet with a sense of pure relief that is similar to that feeling when you are not sure if it’s a poo or a fart, and it thankfully turns out to be the latter. THANK YOU LORD.

Actual footage below….

As much as we were not actually supposed to be there, it really was an absolute privilege to be surrounded by the people who have served for the United States. The evening ended with an extremely emotional tribute to all of the fallen soldiers who sadly did not make it back home.

 I actually have strong family connections to the UK military with both of my grandfathers serving in the world war and also some friends who are currently still serving for our country, all of whom I admire greatly.

On the way back to hotel we decided to re-visit the website we booked the tickets on just to see exactly what we had missed. It looked like this:

Ooops….

But obviously that couldn’t be the end of the military situation. As we arrived back to our hotel, this was a sign in the window:

You literally couldn’t make this stuff up.

Disclaimer: As much as I have made light of the situation as a whole, in no way would I ever want to come across as not respecting those people who dedicate their lives to working in the Military. They are ALL absolute heroes. I am purely making light of the situation itself that I found myself in which actually couldn’t be further from my career path right now and thought people would find some hilarity in it too. What an experience…

After recovering from the event by having just a few more drinks with fellow cast members that evening, we went back to the hotel and prepared for a busy day in the morning.

The following day was filled by snorkeling & exploring more of the island and it looked a bit like this:

Can you spot me in the photo above?

Our time in Hawaii came to an end. What an amazing couple of days. Now we begin a 19 day pacific crossing over to Australia and New Zealand, where we are based for the rest of this contract ending in April 2020. On the crossing we will visit some of the French Polynesian islands such as Bora Bora.

God knows what will happen there, but i’m sure it will be a hell of an adventure…

This post was written somewhere between Hawaii and Bora Bora.

Sam Wearing

Non-Military, homosexual

25, The Ocean

The World

The Universe